Orkut or not?

During my 30 years of work in Information Technology, several times I got questions from friends and relatives, such as: “which computer should I buy?”, “what is the best software to do this or that”, “how do I remove virus?”, etc. However, recently the most common question is: “Should I allow my son (or daughter) use Orkut?”.

The Orkut “explosion” in Brazil made the problem even more evident, as now adults and children can quickly and easily, without major technical skills, create their own pages on the internet and share them with other people online.

The question is no longer limited to using or not Orkut – it became much broader, and should be addressed in parts:

(I) Orkut: Personally, I don’t like it. The idea of meeting friends is good, but it resulted in extreme exposure, people seeking their 15 seconds of fame.

The big question is: should we stimulate this over-exposure? Should we live in an online version of the Big Brother? I don’t believe that it is positive for a child or teenager to join the exposure bandwagon. On the other hand, I acknowledge that it is very difficult to totally avoid it, as they will claim that “everybody uses and has it” (and if they would not use it at home, they would do it at a friend’s house).

There is also the question of safety. Even with so much paranoia, and false alarms and hoaxes running around, it is not worthy it to risk too much. Imagine a lawyer that wins a divorce dispute and the client’s husband, defeated and upset, decides to take revenge? Or an employee who was fired, thinks that the boss was unfair and decides to pay back? The detailed information about their foe’s families is all there in Orkut: names, pictures of the children, of the homes, school’s name, friends, and much more.

Unlikely, but not impossible.

(II) The internet in general (including instant communication tools such as AIM and MSN): The internet mirrors the world we live in. There are many good things, and lots of garbage too. The same way there are neighborhoods with safe streets and places and others not quite the same, the internet has good sites, and bad sites. Good people, and bad people.

Could you lock your son or daughter at home and prevent them from going out? When they would be 16 or 18 years old would you be able to avoid (or even to know) that they go to a dangerous place with a friend, even if just for curiosity? There is no way. The same way, you won’t be able to prevent them from surfing the web and end up reaching a bad site, even accidentally.

So far, I the main question was not answered yet: “Should I allow my son (or daughter) use Orkut?”.

As an IT professional, but most importantly as a father of two teenagers who “survived” the internet, I believe it is not possible to go against the flow. It is unthinkable to put the children inside of a glass dome to protect them against getting in trouble, getting hurt, suffering, or making mistakes. How could we help? By explaining, alerting, teaching, and monitoring. I suggest talking to your children to explain the risks the internet poses. Be very clear and specific, otherwise they will not understand, thinking that you are exaggerating, pretending to listen but in reality not internalizing the idea.

People (and specially children) tend to trust and believe everything they see on the computer, after all it is with it we obtain a lot of information. It is essential to motivate them to question, to be alert. Recommend that they: 1) NEVER post personal data that would allow identification, such as full name, address, and phone number; 2) NEVER communicate by e-mail or instant messenger with strangers, no matter if the person claims being 10 years old, or being friends to someone they know; 3) NEVER click on links sent in e-mails from strangers (as a matter of fact, it is better not even to open such e-mails).

Explain to them that using the internet is not their RIGHT, but a PRIVILEGE that could be revoked at any time (the same way that spending the weekend at a friend’s home is not a right but a concession made by the parents, generally revoked if they do something wrong).

Make it very clear that you will monitor the sites they visit, their pages on Orkut, the e-mails and instant messages, not because you want to snoop their communication, but to be sure they are safe and to be able to correct their direction in case something isn’t right. Explain that as they learn to use the tools and the procedures in a safe way, without exposing themselves, you will have peace of mind and progressively reduce the monitoring.

You should keep an attitude of who wants to help and not police. This way, they will seek your support, and won’t act behind your back. You could even help them to build their pages in Orkut, or create one for you and show it to them, acting as a role model.

Remember: children observe and mirror their parents’ behavior. There is no point in telling one thing and doing another.

Try to make them understand that this is for their own good. Use the bicycle analogy: when they were learning to ride a bike you used to hold them and not let them go by themselves, not because you did not want to free them, but because you did not want them to fall down and get hurt. As they developed balance, you started to let them go. Of course sometimes they fell down, but falling is also part of the learning.

I know this is not easy because we have to pass to a child the distrust of an adult. I don’t see any other way. Nowadays the children are much more exposed to the grownup world through the TV and the internet and, unfortunately, we have to “kill” a little bit of their naiveté so that they develop enough antibodies and be able to grow healthy, making the right choices.

I finish wishing good luck – it always helps…